Understanding Self-Sabotage and How to Work Through It

We self-sabotage to protect ourselves, but we sabotage our potential to grow.

Have you ever almost completed a project, only to say to yourself, “f*ck it” and leave it alone to never return to it again? Ever been in a great relationship with friends or significant others, but ghosted or hurt them to protect yourself? Do you have a history of exercising, working on quitting a substance that you abuse, and then going back to your old ways? I admit it and you should, too.

The term “self-sabotage” was a term that was brought up within my years of therapy. I’ve had patterns of starting things and never finishing them, creating distance from others if they were getting too close, and relapsing to old habits when trying to change them. I felt stuck and thought “This will never change. This is just who I am.”

Therapy, counseling, and coaching helped me become aware of this behavior. To move through it, I had to process it, dig deep, and find better paths.  

I have to submit to the fact that it is a lifelong journey to work on improving myself daily to be aware of this self-sabotaging behavior and find ways to work through it rather than around it.

Let’s dive into this psychological anomaly of why we self-sabotage and how we can overcome it.

SELF-SABOTAGE EXPLAINED

The definition of self-sabotage is “the behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do.” Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-term goals. Common self-sabotaging behaviors include procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, relapsing to old ways, and forms of self-injury. These actions can be especially dangerous because some are so subtle and at the time they may even appear to calm you down and relax you, but as these actions increase, self-sabotage digs a deep trench that is difficult to climb out of.

Below are reasons we self-sabotage.

LACK OF SELF-WORTH

Self-worth is tied into our belief we are not capable of achieving our goals though we have the skills, talents, and tools to do so. Self-worth is also tied into our beliefs that we are imposters or frauds of our achievements.

Though a handful of us achieve amazing accolades, we still feel that we aren’t enough or we don’t deserve praise.

This lack of self-worth can be due to how we were conditioned within our environment that we haven’t processed.

FEAR OF SUCCESS

Success means that there is another hill to climb after we achieve a certain goal. After a task, project, or goal is completed, we know that there are new hills to climb and challenges to take on.

Starting and progressing through the initial and middle parts of a project were challenging enough, so we may feel that taking on another project will bring us more discomfort or even pain.

Our success can even mean that others may look up to us seeking answers to how to climb, but we believe our capabilities are subpar—we may feel like frauds.

FEAR OF INVALIDATION

“I can’t get hurt if I’m the one who leaves first.” is true when self-sabotaging.

When it comes to relationships, some of us leave to protect ourselves. Some of us even intentionally hurt others first to question our self-worth to see if the other party comes back.

When it comes to projects or tasks, some of us abandon and never finish because we feel the results aren’t good enough. We may continually ask others for their approval along the way and even if all praise your work, you still believe it’s not good enough. Your finished project won’t be seen or judged by others, so you believe you’re safe because people won’t be able to invalidate you.

NEED FOR CONTROL

Our need for control is an overcorrection that many of us are unaware of. We would rather control our own failure than feel like failures from the judgment of others. When we intentionally abandon projects, people, and better habits, we tell ourselves that we are the captains of our own ships.

This need for control may be a way to correct our belief that we have no control over our lives, so even if we sabotage ourselves, we still feel this empowerment.

NEED FOR COMFORT

The reason we go back to our old ways is that it is familiar and brings comfort. Being comfortable being uncomfortable is a skill we have to learn. The most confident and successful people are pros at harnessing this skill.

We are creatures of habit, so creating new habits brings a sense of vulnerability.

Many of us don’t like discomfort, so going back to familiar and past patterns is easier since we already understand how to maneuver.

NOT BLAMING SELF

What’s better than not taking the blame for something that is painful to accept? Blaming external sources for not achieving a task or continuing a relationship is easier than admitting you’re the issue.

We can tell lies to ourselves and blame circumstances rather than ourselves. Some of us even create circumstances to deliberately destroy the project or relationship. We dissociate ourselves from this circumstance and use it for the reason of not achieving the accomplishment or disengagement of a relationship.

HOW TO WORK THROUGH IT

We must first be aware if we are self-sabotaging our tasks, goals, and relationships. We must be mindful if we have thoughts of incompletion, avoidance, instant gratification, or insecurity.

If you become aware that you are self-sabotaging, you must process where these thoughts and emotions are coming from and change your thought process.

Try taking the time to step back when you have these self-defeating thoughts and write down why you feel you don’t want to continue—see what is truly holding your potential to succeed.

If the tasks are overwhelming, chunk the process to make it less stressful and easily achievable to create confidence and efficacy.

If you are questioning your self-worth, write down and try to process where these thoughts are rooted. If it’s too painful or you don’t know how to, seek help through a therapist or life coach.

If you start to get uncomfortable and want to go back to familiar patterns, question if the past patterns you want to recede to are toxic or healthy. Ask yourself if going back to old ways or if finishing the task will help you grow and become a more resilient, wiser, and stronger person.

If you feel like you’re losing control, process the fact that we never have control over our lives. The only thing we have control over in life are the choices we make from the circumstances brought upon us.

KEY TAKEAWAY

Self-sabotaging our lives is more common than we are aware of. We are creatures of habit that want to create situations that bring comfort and instant gratification to not bring stress. Some of us work so hard to avoid painful past experiences or anything resembling them that we become just a shell of our true selves. We seek lives that bring us comfort and peace, but staying complacent in fear of not losing this peace is what prevents us from growing.

We earn strength each day we persevere through the fear or the unknown to make our lives happier, healthier, and stronger.

Let’s all choose to grow each day, be proud of our accomplishments, and learn from our mistakes.

-Lloyd Sarte