Toxic Positivity is Making Us Feel Worse

Telling yourself positive thoughts only help temporarily—getting to the root of why you feel the way you do is the real work.

“You’ll get over it.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“It will work out.”

“Look at the bright side.”

“Just relax and breathe.”

“It’s ok to not be ok.”

Most of us hear these lines and more throughout our lifetime. We see them posted through social media and online forums. Some of us even post or repost these sentences on our own profiles—I, for one, have to say did that, too.  

The definition of toxic positivity is “The overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state that results in denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.

We use “positivity” as a way to obtain instant gratification to cover up or silence our emotional experiences. By not allowing us to feel and experience these emotions of sadness, anger, hopelessness, anxiousness, or depression, we fall into a state of denial and suppressed emotions—it becomes toxic.

It is universally understood that having a positive outlook on life is a must, but we have to accept the fact that life isn’t always positive—we will encounter circumstances that are painful and traumatic.

There is no way to avoid these emotions because we are flawed humans, but what we do with these emotions is always a choice we have to make.

FORMS OF TOXIC POSITIVITY

• When you get a bad grade in school or your project at work wasn’t validated by your peers, people may say “just stay positive” or “it also happened to others.” These comments are not empathetic as is can be a way of turning away the emotions you’re experiencing.

• After going through a loss of a loved one or a break-up, some people might say “you’ll get over it” or “everything happens for a reason.” When people create these statements, they believe the lie that these lines are comforting when in reality, they are just ways to invalidate someone’s pain.

• When trying a new path, career, or project, you start feeling frustrated and want to quit. You may hear people say “if I can do it, you can too.” or “they aren’t as great as you; you’re better.” This suggests that you should avoid how you feel and continue without addressing the root of your emotions.

Though these statements are thought to be well-intentioned, they are not empathetic. We must be aware of these responses as they may be more harmful and hurtful than helpful. It may end up shaming and putting the blame on the person experiencing these emotions. Toxic positivity doesn’t allow the support needed to cope with their life circumstance.

TOXIC POSITIVITY IS HARMFUL

When we say these positive lines to ourselves or to others, it can make us feel worse and harm our mental health. When we dismiss emotions to ourselves and others, we feel unheard, ignored, and invalidated. As humans, we must be able to share our true emotions with each other with unconditional support.

Below are reasons why toxic positivity can be harmful

• IT DOESN’T ALLOW US TO GROW: When we avoid our feelings, it doesn’t allow us to understand why we feel a certain way and find ways to work through them. By avoiding our emotions, we are just putting a band-aid on our pain than doing the work for long-term healing.

• IT PUTS ON SHAME: When we are instantly told these positive affirmations, we may feel that our real emotions are unacceptable. We share our emotions and feelings with others because we want to know our emotions are valid. When we hear of “solutions” rather than being heard, we feel neglected.

• IT CAUSES GUILT: Toxic positivity gives off the message that if you don’t how to get out of this situation faster, you’re doing something wrong.

• IT AVOIDS BEING OUR TRUE SELVES: When we use toxic positivity, we have to be aware that it is used as an avoidance device. It’s normal to feel these emotions, but to disregard them is dangerous to our mental health. We need to feel these emotions, process them, and then learn to work through them.

The truth is, we can’t stay positive all the time—it’s unrealistic. It’s actually ignorant to expect people to only look at the bright or good sides of situations when they still haven’t processed why they feel sad, depressed, angry, or hopeless.

SIGNS OF TOXIC POSITIVITY

Recognizing signs of toxic positivity and nipping the bud off before it could grow is important. Signs of it include:

• Ignoring the deeper issues rather than working through them

• Hiding or covering up your true emotions

• Invalidating other peoples’ emotions because it makes you uncomfortable

• Guilt about feeling anxious, depressed, sad, or angry

• Putting others down or shaming when they don’t have positivity

• Thinking you’re brave by ignoring or getting over pain or trauma

HOW TO AVOID AND MANAGE TOXIC POSITIVITY

We have all experienced toxic positivity, but don’t know how to avoid or work through it. Below are some ideas you can develop.

• BE AWARE OF YOUR EMOTIONS: Notice how you feel when are listening, watching, and looking at positive affirmations. Be aware if you’re using these routes as an escape or to cover up the real internal issues.

• PROCESS THEN CHOOSE THE BEST PATH: Do your best to process why you feel the way you do before acting. We all feel down at different points in our lives, but those moments don’t define us. Sometimes, we react to instantly relieve uncomfortable or painful feelings, but this is only temporary.  We must find long-term tools and paths.

• DON’T DENY YOUR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS: Your negative emotions are signals that provide us insight into ourselves. We must look at these emotions as signals to alert us that things need to be addressed before proceeding.

• LISTEN AND TRY TO BE EMPATHETIC: Listening rather than giving answers is important to validate other peoples’ emotions. To take it a step further, being empathetic rather than sympathetic puts you in the other person’s shoes to understand the situation better.

KEY TAKEAWAY

There is no way around your emotions—happy or sad—so we must learn to accept that we have to experience these feelings. Thinking we can just cover up or forget about our pain or trauma is a lie. Toxic positivity gives off the intention that our negative emotions shouldn’t be processed and would rather try to cover them up with affirmations or comparisons for a quick fix to deeper issues.

The beauty of life is that it is amazing and painful at the same time. We experience accolades and love, but we also experience loss and heartbreak.  

What we have to focus on is what we build through these times of darkness and hardship—our character.  What makes us strong is our resilience to work through our daily circumstances.

Without loss, how can we appreciate life?

Without hardships, how can we build our strength?

-Lloyd Sarte